Another piece from my last time with my writing group, and this week’s Project Create.
I’m Doing it Again
I’m doing it again. Thinking. My mind is like a bad neighborhood at three a.m. – not a place to visit alone. Who said that first? It wasn’t me, I know that. I don’t even remember who told me that quote. I don’t remember things very well for a person who thinks so much.
I’m doing it again, thinking– I know I overthink everything. It’s true, people have told me this about myself, and they’re right. What causes me to think too much? I don’t know, and believe me, I’ve thought about it a lot.
I’m doing it again. Thinking about the future, this time. The dreaded what-if. What if I get hit by a bus tomorrow and my mother finds my journals? The only good thing about that scenario is that I’ll be dead and won’t see her head explode when she realizes her thirteen year old daughter – me – knows the f-word.
I’m doing it again. Thinking. Have you noticed that ‘what if’ can apply to the past as well as to the future? What if I hadn’t read To Kill A Mockingbird last week and decided to become a writer, a famous writer who only completes one novel, on perfect novel, then dies of a broken heart? What if I’d read my little brother’s collection of Diary of a Wimpy Kid books, or worse, watched Gossip Girl with my step-sister?
I’m doing it again, thinking. It’s something I do way too much, my English lit teacher tells me, and he doesn’t even know I have a crush on him and think about him all the time.
I’m doing it again. Thinking about what might happen tomorrow, what might have happened if yesterday was different, if my dad was still around, if life were still predictable, if I still lived in my house instead of my step-dad’s house. If I could stop thinking.